"I have been punishing myself - for not BEING myself"
occurred to me this morning that I have an inherent need to punish myself in order to try and make sense out of the world. Some time back I discovered that when things didn't go the way I expected - be it my own behavior or someone else's, I would eat something unhealthy, sabotage my dreams in some way, or get stuck in a holding pattern that kept me from feeling good. I have found myself opening my browser on my phone the moment I open my eyes, only to find that I have allowed someone's political rant set my mood for the day.
This awareness has made it much easier to look for a better feeling - way-of-being, but the stark ugliness of my brief moments of self-sabotage.. at least today are are a call to action. Recovery from alcoholism, surviving sexual and physical abuse, and forgiving a rapist are not overnight events...but they are the facts of a life that now has room to thrive and experience joy.
The last 3 blogs I spoke passionately about centering and meditation and how it sets the stage for my day but it only takes a single comment to take me off balance at times. My decision in the mornings to set the tone of my day can come unconsciously as well. Everything I do is a decision....a position in which I place myself and the foundation I chose to build the remainder of my day on. If the first thing I do in the morning is to read the news or social media, I have allowed the opinions of others to dictate the feelings I start my day with.
Practicing anything helps us hone our skills, makes the difficult second-nature, and builds our confidence in our abilities. Learning that setting my intentions for the day in my journal takes me to a better feeling-place was the shift in consciousness I needed to shift the direction of my life. Energy attracts like energy...it is a physical certainty. For me it is no longer enough to be grateful...I need to pay attention to what that gratitude does to...and for me.