I don’t have a clue what to write about.  I feel dense and awkward and totally disengaged from this writing thing today.  I made a promise to myself that I would write a blog every week – it was my first attempt at honoring my dedication to integrity as a business owner and coach.  But as with most humans, some days I just can’t get motivated.  I need inspiration and focus and sitting still in one spot is only easy for me if I am thoroughly engaged in something.

The reason I write is to share the things that have broken me, inspired me, and healed me the most. I am of an age where there is a lot to look back on, but a desire to move forward more courageously and thoughtfully.  My children are grown, I have a great relationship, a comfortable home, and the means to care for myself in any way that my needs call for.  I have more than many, not as much as some, and just enough to make me joyously content.  My past is fodder for many subjects and my current understanding of what I have overcome delightful. It makes for a giddy gratitude that fuels me to try and help others in any way I can.  When your cup is overflowing it has to go somewhere.

Writing is a self-help tool that anyone who can hold a pen can make use of.  It is a way to dump the garbage your brain has been composting and stirring up so that you can sleep clear-headed.  Writing will reveal the lies you tell yourself and also your deepest fears.  Putting pen to paper can assist you in unleashing a landslide of anger without alienating another human. It is a tangible way of doing SOMETHING about any challenge you might be faced with.  Nothing is more engaging than discovering some truth on the page that you had not even formed a thought about.  And that’s the point.  When you write you access the secret log book to your soul.

One of the tools I use with my clients is what in sales they used to call the “Ben Franklin Close”.  Pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages – it is a wonderful tool for getting at the truth, the solution, or helping you make decisions and see the value in choice.  Simply draw a vertical line down a sheet of paper.  Use it for whatever you are dealing with.  My favorite is “Don’t Want” vs. “Want Instead”.  This works for all kinds of situations.  Out there dating? Looking for a new job? Mad at yourself and looking for solutions?  Need new ideas for a project? The simple act of writing something out with the intention of looking for a solution puts you on the path to many open doors.  It accesses a part of the brain you sometimes can’t get to by mere pondering or worrying about a situation.

Writing is also a great tool for experiencing our feelings, developing gratitude, and for exploring what hides in the recesses of our mind unless we explore with a pen.  A great spiritual exercise I learned to use when I was in the depths of despair over a breakup was the “I love this because_______” writing exercise.  Training myself to look for the good in every situation (no matter how devastating) took courage and the willingness to want to feel differently.  Amazingly, I began to gain perspective on the red flags I missed, the things I gave up to keep him around, and a whole lot of clarity and truth.  It was what helped me give up the grieving and get on with my life.

Anais Nin stated “We write to taste life twice”.  It helps me to see things from the perspective of new understanding, a night’s sleep, or just the willingness to own up to my own part in an event.  I can own my feelings, express my hopes or fears, and close the cover of my journal and never look at it again.  I can create new ideas, bring old ones to the light of new experiences, and convey the things that I hope will inspire others to action that will nourish their souls.  Whatever the reason, you can sit back and know that in front of you is evidence that you accomplished something that was productive – regardless of the goal.

By just sitting down at my keyboard and speaking my truth, something was created on the page.  Unless someone comments or some conversation is started, I will never know whether it mattered to anyone but me.  But because I wanted to produce something, once I started the things that my soul had to say engaged me in the task.  I was inspired to continue and curious to see what would evolve.   And maybe, just maybe…someone else will be inspired to try writing as well.
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What would keep you from trying out a bit of writing today?

Something profound happened to me years ago and I haven’t had the need to forgive since that event.

Until today.

I am struggling with something deep inside of me that I am trying to express, identify, birth into reality. Muffled voices in my head, not yet clear, keep holding me back from something I know I was born to accomplish. They are the voices of reason, doubt, fear and disbelief that challenge the reality that someone like me can be accomplished, successful, respected and believed. The woman raised by alcoholic parents – neglected due to a disease that challenged even the truth of my own existence. I imagine my mother carrying her surprise burden at 17, dazed and confused at the turn of events that were catapulting her life into dangerous territory. Marrying quickly to assure propriety occurred to help mitigate a drunken mistake. Two drunk teens starting a chain reaction that in 7 years became a houseful of 5 children. So many times I heard them both talk about what could have been…but never saw anything change for the good. No one is to blame. It was just something that happened. Yet the hole that opens up inside of me is always about nurturing.

I am torn between the need for a loving mentor and the fear that no one will measure up. It keeps me living contemplatively and looking for ways to feed that need for approval. On occasion I reach out and open up to the intimacy of letting someone else see me, but I either reject the ones who can out of fear, or find little to enjoy in the company of other beings. I want to be lifted up, not judged. Encouraged to fly, not have my feet held to the floor because of someone else’s lack of vision. Most of all, I want someone who intuitively knows me or at least is skilled in helping me know myself. Risking exposure and being vulnerable are my greatest fears.

If we are to forgive then we ego-driven humans seem to have to decide where to place blame so that our forgiveness has meaning. When I am honest and in fit spiritual condition, I see how ludicrous that can be. If I am blaming others then I become a puzzle made from incompatible pieces whose finished product will never be coherent. Blaming others for my feelings and actions is the default reaction for those who are afraid to be themselves.

My general disposition is one of joy…rarely do I feel anything less than contentment. Early on in my recovery, a loving mentor suggested that my constant smile made others disbelieve me. A doctor suggested that my constant laughter was often a sign of some hidden mental anguish. I even had a female employer tell me I should stop smiling so much because in my later years I would be sorry when I saw the wrinkles it would cause. I thank those people because they made me look within at the cause of my feelings. Whether I was genuinely happy then could be called into question in the light of my abuse of alcohol and some of the poor decisions I made regarding relationships. I want to believe that I knew all along that if I could find a way to get to happiness, it would come to stay. Every behavior, whether it can be perceived as good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, was my way of seeking that which I was born to experience – joy. I sought it in approval of teachers, the touch of a man, the flavor of a favorite food, the excitement of a new outfit, the abandon of a night on the dance floor, the euphoria of a mind altering experience or substance. Everything I do…everything…is about finding and embracing a better feeling.

As I have watched these words evolve on the page I realize that the fears that keep me stuck have nothing to do with who I am right now. When I stop and write down everything I have accomplished in the past year I am amazed. That critical gremlin of self-doubt only pops up when I am isolating from the rest of the world and relying on my own mind to pull me through. I could view it as a mistake, but the beauty of it all is that I learn something new every time. My desire to bring others the joy I have found in living is my life work because it is the life I am experiencing.

The person I need to forgive today is myself. For being afraid to be human, and afraid to be spiritual. For doubting myself, based on false and imaginary thoughts. For forgetting and refusing the things that make me feel good being me. For forgetting that serving others and extending the love, recovery, and beautiful truths I have learned is what keeps me happy.
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Looking at what I have done right, what I have accomplished, and looking for someone I can help is my assurance that regardless of what I am faced with, I can choose happiness and let go of the need for forgiveness.

Be who you want to be today and look forward to what that will bring you.

​It is your choice.

What kind of energy are you leaving with your words and your actions today…and how do you know? 

For years, I have been studying the effects of mindfulness and how important “living in the moment” is to the quality of my life.  As a person in recovery it was vital for me to become proficient at this.  My life truly depends on this skill.  Being able to pause and pay attention to where my feet are planted, in other words - to live for the moment, is essential to my emotional growth and well-being. When I get complacent in this practice, my state of mind reverses to old ideas and habits and that is dangerous for an alcoholic.

When we do the same things over and over again, we begin to sleepwalk through our daily lives.  Brushing our teeth, riding the train to work, feeding the dog…who needs to be mindful when performing these activities?  But what about a bus driver who has the responsibility for his human cargo? Or the surgeon with someone’s life in his or her hands? These types of activities take laser-like focus because many things are at stake, so they must be mindful of what they do.  Ask anyone sharing the road with a texting driver how important focus and attention are.  There are lots of people in graveyards who forgot how important being mindful is when behind the wheel.  

Mindfulness is an act of taking responsibility for how your presence effects and is effected by the world.  

So how do you start?  There are lots of books written about mindfulness and many of them I have found helpful focus on creativity as a way to enjoy and identify the feelings that come from being mindful.  Julie Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” was introduced to me years ago by a therapist whose life touched mine in amazing ways.  Through the lessons contained in the book I began to sort through which voices in my head belonged to others, and began to find my on “voice” and focus on what I wanted.  Showing up on the page of my journal every morning (due to the suggested morning pages) enabled me to get in touch with how I was showing up in my world.  Writing down behaviors, thoughts and feelings gave me a doorway into mindfulness and made paying attention to the present moment a rich and rewarding experience.  Being creative is not just about art or music, but an exercise in being mindful of how you react internally to every activity.  It is an exercise in who and what you are meant to be and your signature on the substance of your life.

Mindfulness and meditation are similar in that they require one to slow down and focus.  Learning to sit still or focusing on only one thing was always a challenge for me, but constantly working on meditation has been key for my living in the present moment.  When I first got sober, sitting still kicked the “fight or flight” tendency into overdrive because my whole life had been about running and fighting.  Somehow I knew that if I stopped at all…everything would catch up with me and I was done for.  Mindfulness connects me to my feelings about a thing, ideas, or something physical.  It is a way for me to expand my world by paying attention to the nuances of existence. Meditation on the other hand is about sitting quietly and allowing the thoughts about anything to settle so that my mind and body begin to relax.  Both connect me to something much bigger than the everyday and reward me with a deep feeling of gratitude for my existence and my place in the world.

So here is an exercise for you to try mindfulness:

Wherever you are right now stop and take a breath.

• Now look around you.  What do you see? Notice the details.
• Is it a tree? What kind of bark does it have? What are the shape of its leaves? How tall is it? What animals inhabit it’s branches? Is it windy?
• How does the wind sound? What does it affect?
• Are there people around you? Notice something different about them? Similar?
• What do you hear? Pay attention to all the different sounds.  A lawn mower, dogs barking, someone hammering? Voices? 
• What do you smell?
• What do you feel?

The more you notice, the more you are mindful of your surroundings.  My morning routine begins with attention to the sounds of the birds, the far off hum of traffic, the sound of my breath entering and leaving my body, and the sound of the clock in the kitchen ticking.  It grounds me and gives me reason for gratitude.  Yes...I am where I am supposed to be at this moment. There is something so comforting about the consistency of the sounds and paying attention often reveals new things as well.  This is mindfulness.  This is honoring the existence I have been blessed with.

Gratitude that comes from mindfulness is born in the calmness of paying attention to what is already there.  Whether you decide to accept it or not is the energy signature you leave behind.

What would you gain today by slowly incorporating mindfulness into your life journey?

My name is Sherri and I am a recovered alcoholic. 

I am also a lover of life, a coach, a mother and a happily married woman. Not many get to say that, but for 29 years I have been involved in a process that has given me a life that I had never imagined. An outstanding and blessed life.

That process?  Seeking truth.

In the beginning it was all about blaming others for where I was in life. Wrong side of the tracks.  Poor. Alcoholic father and mother.  Too many kids, not enough attention. Diagnosis of ADHD.  Rape, hunger, neglect, abandonment – if you have been there you know this list is endless, especially when you are trying to justify addictive behavior.  The finger pointing was an exercise in trying to preserve some semblance of my own sanity…I had no solutions and so was constantly seeking a source in which to attribute the problem.  Alcohol calmed the need to look for a minute, but never for too long.  Thus the constant craving to fix myself and my life with alcohol a welcome balm.  My brain was in a constant state of panic and protection mode.

When I walked into my first 12-Step meeting, I was terrified and intrigued.  At 29, separated from my husband, 4 year old daughter in tow, I had run out of answers.  My father had only months before succumbed to the ravages of his short alcoholic life.  His untimely and gut-wrenching death shattered my delusions about what and who was to blame and made me look squarely at myself.  The controversy surrounding his demise was to rattle the hinges of our family for an eternity and became exactly the shock I needed to seek help.  I found it in those rooms and surprisingly through an interesting assortment of souls on varying places in their own journeys.  It was in those rooms, with people like me, that I found the courage and the strength to look into myself and seek the parts of my soul that had been dormant or laying low until the storm was over.

My journey these past 29 years has taken me through many stages of growth, discovery and development.  It was not an overnight matter.  The program I was introduced to was an enticement to continue living with the hope that it would continually get better.  However, it took much work and service to others as well as giving up of a lot of old behaviors and belief systems.  This, however, occurred naturally over the years…but it was often as if I were continually being pushed through the birth-canal over and over again.  Each hurdle brought on short periods of grief for my way of life and the old pieces of “self” that I began to release.  It was not a coward’s journey.  To rely on a higher power and not mood altering substances of any kind takes courage and perseverance.  Was I blessed with both or just sick of the falsehoods I surrounded myself with?  I know today that this alcoholic had to be fully awake to the process in order to come out in this place of peace.

The 12 steps as they were originally designed have been adopted to address any number of maladies.  They were adapted from religious texts but were purposely designed to be inclusive of believers and non-believers alike.  The founders wanted to make a way for all to come to believe in something more powerful than what they had been dependent on, so that they might become inter-dependent and live a happy and useful life.  They were designed to be self-sustaining as long as we pass it on to others.  I know THAT is what saved my life. 

Today, I look back at the challenges it took me to get here and know undoubtedly that the richness of those hurdles and heartbreaks paved the way for an understanding of the blessings I now enjoy.  In retrospect, this kind of acceptance of the abundance and blessings of my life, my love for people, my new career path, and my welcoming of joy would not have been possible for me earlier.  I had to know the pain to be able to receive the gain. 

I have never relied only on that process however.  It was what gave me courage to look at myself in the presence of others who would understand and that lifted the need for judgement.  Recovery was the mirror that helped me see my true self and gave me the tools to discard that which no longer served the life I wanted to live.  It helped me heal the gap that separated me from a full and happy existence.  Recovery opened the door to a world filled with amazing experiences, people, places, fragrances, flavors, and delightful ideas that I knew I was starving for.  Getting sober gave me the courage to step out into, and claim, that smorgasbord of experience called life and to walk among those who know how to live authentically.

Seeking truth is the hero’s journey.  We all have within us that spark that can be fanned to a rich flame when we are surrounded by those who have gone before us.  We breathe the same air as everyone on this planet and have access to the same energy as those who astound and perplex us with their success.  It is available to ALL of us.  The bravest thing that any of us will ever do is ask for help.

What do you need to start your journey of truth today?

Tell me what makes you happy.  Not just what you are willing to accept in your life because it is better than what you had in the past. What truly makes you feel the energy rising up in your body and fill your heart and lungs?  What do you want to return to again and again because nothing in the world makes you feel the same? Tell me about what gives you wings, creates such powerful emotion that you want to share it with the world.  Tell me about what makes you lose all space and time.  Go back as far as you have to so that you can recapture that feeling.  Sit with it.  FEEL it. Write it down and enjoy looking at the words you use to explain the feelings.

This is happiness.  When your soul is so filled up that you can’t keep it to yourself.  When even the tiniest things bring on joy.  Being so grateful for something that you know you can give your life over to it even if only for a moment.

If you are struggling to think of something, tell me why.  I want to know.  I want to help. I want to create safe space so that you can explore and discover what brings you joy.

Please tell me.

Here are possible ways to bring yourself closer to happiness.

• Engagement – How engaged are you in the life you have been blessed with?  What are you doing to make the world a better place?  What kinds of things can you do to help a cause, a family, to contribute or create something?  Plant, sing, paint, build, write…find something that gives you joy. Being fully engaged in a task takes you out of the level of thought and connects you with your purpose.  New experiences create new neural pathways and improve your brain and your mood. Finding ways to help others will expand your world, open up choices, and can connect you in amazing and fulfilling ways.  Something as simple as cleaning out a closet and finding a place to donate the items that serves others jazzes me up and makes me feel great.  I love helping others so much I became a coach so I could do it full time! Find something  with which you can engage yourself deeply.

• Energy – How much energy do you have when you wake up in the morning?  If you are struggling from the moment you open your eyes, what can you do to help yourself wake up differently?  Often how we end the day sets us up for what we feel the next morning.  Take a look at what your evening ritual looks like.  What are you reading, eating, and watching on television?    I have been doing a short yoga routine before lying down at night and have found I fall asleep faster and sleep much better.  I try to put up the electronics at least an hour before retiring so that my brain has an opportunity to quiet down before I lie down.  In the mornings, I take stock of what I feel a deep sense of gratitude for.  Exercise and healthy eating habits increase energy.  Hang out with people who lift you up and do things that make you feel good about yourself.  Smile often and see how it feels. Familiarize yourself with your own energy.  Honor yourself.

• Empathy – Learning to understand and see the feelings of others through their eyes is where communication begins.  Being fully present in conversation creates trust and emotional engagement and helps to understand the way others see the world.  Service to others helps us connect in ways that can foster empathy for another.  It isn’t enough to write a check, I need to somehow be in the trenches.  For me it is working with lots of women in recovery trying to put their lives back together and knowing that I don’t ever have to go back to that life.  What have you learned or overcome you can share with another? What are you so grateful for that you can share it with someone else who hasn’t experienced the having or doing of the thing? Be present and bring empathy into your life.

• Enlightenment – Seeking a deeper understanding of the world we cannot see opens up a path from our head to our hearts.  The more I learn the deeper I feel love and the more capacity I develop for receiving love.  Meditation, journaling, yoga, and prayer are a regular part of my life.  Asking myself the hard questions and seeking answers from those wiser than me became the key to living a life of enlightenment.  Be still, seek understanding and connection.   It is in letting the dust settle that I see the sunshine. ​ Be brave.  You have it within you.

• Ease – Find ways to create ease in your life.  What gives you ease and comfort? Holding your child? Sitting on the porch in the warm spring breeze with your favorite cup of tea?  Going on a run?  Everything you do to honor yourself and others will ease your spirit.  I honor the signals my body sends to me by eating right, moving more often, taking care of myself physically and mentally.  Ease means to relax and to be at peace with yourself and others.  Find your inner compass by sitting quietly and letting yourself be you.  Accept all that you are at this moment, all that is, and know that there is a bigger plan here.  Be at ease.

 
No one can make you happy.  Be brave enough to look within yourself for the things that will introduce you to happiness.  Doing the things that are in line with your heart will reveal to you what will make you happy. This is an inside job of extreme importance to your health and to the quality of your relationships and your future. 

 How willing  are you to look?

Looking for new way to think, act, or live is not easy for most of us but is often a life-changing endeavor for those brave enough make the attempt. Conditioned by past experiences - nature or nurture, many of us are on autopilot and don’t think about what other choices might be available. Often just a little tweak in our perception can broaden our perspective and improve the quality of our  lives.

My office is on the second floor of our home facing our wooded yard. I have positioned my desk so that I have only to look up from my keyboard to feel as though I am in a tree-house.  As an amateur bird watcher, I love grabbing the binoculars to get a closer look at the feathered creatures that grace our property. However, as many times as I have picked up those binoculars, I seem to always start from the wrong end and the larger lens.  I know better, and could be tempted to blame that action on memory loss from menopause, old age, or something more nefarious. However, I choose to believe that something intuitive keeps inviting me to see the world in a bigger and more expansive way. 

So which lens do you look through?

When looking through the small end of the field glasses, what we see will always appear closer – because that is where we are focused.  But what about all the things that are just outside our field of “vision”?  I am notorious for attempting a difficult task and getting frustrated because I am only focusing on one way of doing the thing.  In the past there were many times I have thrown up my hands (or thrown what I had in my hand) and said “there has GOT to be a better way to do this!!  Yet for many years my limited vision kept me from going any further.  My vision changed when I learned to expand my focus and look for all the possibilities.

How many times in history have we read about how others have persevered because they felt that they could make a “better mousetrap”?  They believed that they could improve on the gadget or the process in a way that would make something easier, faster, or more fun.  Being curious has always driven humans to explore – whether it be the mystery of their own minds or vast new environments.  Taking a cue from the master of curiosity, Leonardo da Vinci, I began to see how I could apply this curiosity to my own life and use curiosity and perspective as a way to improve my life and my relationships. (If you would like to learn more, read the book "How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci" by Michael Gelb)

It pays to listen to what you are thinking.  One of the wonderful things about journaling my thoughts is that I can whine about my problems or brainstorm solutions without burdening others overmuch with my drama.  Asking myself on the paper “what other ways can I see this?”, or “how can I solve this problem” focuses my vision on new ideas. The fruits of this choice came at 3:00 a.m. one night many years ago.  I was lowering my aching body into a hot bath just so I could get back to sleep – chronic pain zapping my life energy. Surprisingly, my thought process shifted to an entirely new perspective that changed the way I thought about my pain.  Out of my mouth came words of gratitude to my aching body:  “thank you for being so resilient and reminding me you are here and waiting to be cared for”.  It was a revolutionary thought for me! Rather than seething with anger and fear, I was giving my body thanks.  It was no longer my enemy - but my friend.  Now THAT is a new perspective!

No matter what we feel we are struggling with or what has frozen us to inaction, allowing ourselves to step back and observe from another viewpoint can be wildly enlightening. Grab pen and paper and ask yourself some of these questions and see what happens:

• What is this for?
• If someone else was here…what would THEY see?
• What are 5 new ways to look at this?
• How important is this compared to my serenity, my peace of mind?
• What do I desire instead of this?
• What is one step I can take to move forward? Away from? Towards something new?

Results will come because you have now expanded your choices, have given yourself new vision, and have addressed the thing that is keeping you from being happy, fulfilled or healthy.

Yes, there IS a better way!

There are countless quotes about happiness on the internet, and every one of them come from the point of view of the person who is quoted. Though we can’t know what causes another joy in their lives at all times, getting to know another who seems to always feel good can provide a lot of clues.  When a person is happy “in their own skin” they carry that into the world – it is as if everything they get close to is improved in some way by their presence. We are drawn to them because they seem to have an insider’s access to something magical.

Being happy is a choice we make, not something that comes to us without effort.  Happy people are grateful people. They are the ones who look for what is right in the world.  No one person deserves to have more happiness than another, and it is achievable by anyone.  You cannot “catch” someone else’s happiness for more than a short time but you can take cues from their behavior.  How do they carry themselves…are they standing tall and looking you in the eye when they speak?  If you observe them communicating with someone else, how do they behave?  Do they reach out and touch the other person, lean closer? Are they smiling most of the time? Do they intuitively know what to do to make others feel at ease?

How you see the world, your thoughts about yourself and others, and how you behave are an indicator of your level of contentment.  If you aren’t experiencing the kind of feelings you want to…check yourself.  Whatever keeps you from enjoying your life and feeling at peace is something to take note of.  For instance:

• If you spend all your time focusing on the character flaws of others…you might be unhappy.
• If you can’t take your eyes off the internet and the television long enough to listen to another’s question…you might be unhappy.
• If you consistently make decisions that are unhealthy for yourself…you might be unhappy.
• If your family goes out to dinner and everyone is looking at their phones instead of communicating…you might be unhappy.
• If you are afraid to try new things because you don’t want to look like a fool….you might be unhappy.

Happy people are curious and spontaneous. They are delighted at learning. They look for things that will please them as well as others.  Happy people actively engage in new experiences, enjoy meeting new people and generally enjoy life.  They don’t hold onto grudges because they want to use their time to create relationships…not tear them down.  Generally, people that are happy look for ways they can help others be happy as well.  They are often in better health than most folks, content with things as they are without complaining, and look forward to each day as it comes.  Happy people are accepting of people as they are and look for ways to maneuver challenges as they come. 

Want to find ways to enjoy more happiness?  Then ask yourself what was the last thing that you did that made you feel like a giddy kid?  What kinds of things make you smile and your heart feel full?  When do you feel you’re at your best?  What smells good, tastes good, sounds good to you…and why?  If you could do one thing for the rest of your life you are not doing now…what would it be?  If you had everything you needed right now with nothing to get in the way…what would that look and feel like? 

Focus on the things you need to add to your life to give you the life you want.  Write it down on paper and own the dream, because when you can start checking off the things you have been ignoring or putting off, you will be on track to your own version of happiness.

What will it take for you to be happy too?

We teach others how to treat us.

No matter where we go we leave the energetic trail of our moods along the way.  The energy we show up with carries a message to others…whether or not we realize it.  The message may be intentional or unconscious – but we are always projecting it into the universe.  Whether the lesson lands in the lap of the checker at the grocery store, our children, or our peers at work, we teach others how to treat us, even when that is not our intention.  Witnesses learn from us everywhere, and if someone is in a vulnerable place, our demeanor, extended forward, has the power to lift up or destroy.   Because we effect one another so easily, we have a responsibility to take the lead in any encounter.

How do you do that if you are in a crappy place though?  If the first thing you focus on is how much you regret, how do you get past that?  And why does it matter what others think anyway?  Taking responsibility for our thoughts is the first step and that takes waking up to what we are putting out there in front of us.  Finding a way to shift from grouchy to grateful has its perks. When we do, our energy becomes uplifting and so does the message we hear and project.

​Some of us are addicted to negative and catastrophic thinking.  If your life has been one of challenge and strife, if you are going through something that is painful, or overcoming some other trauma, it is difficult to feel like moving out of it.  Yes misery does seem to love company – we just don’t realize sometimes how much we invite into our world by our own thoughts.  If we are constantly talking about our troubles to others, we only feed the beast.  What can we do to switch from thinking that hurts us to thinking that teaches us?

Here are some ways you can begin to take back your own energy and switch to more positive behaviors:

1. Stop! Don’t open up that browser the minute you open your eyes.  Rather than let the world invade your mind and control your energy, decide consciously where you want it to go.  Whether that means meditation, writing in a journal or talking to a mentor or mate about what you want for the day, you are in charge of the way you show up.  Try setting an intention for what you want to feel at the end of the day and see what happens.  You could also fill in the blank with the following – “I desire a feeling of_________   (accomplishment, happiness, etc.) at the end of the day”.  Your intention sets up the energy to make it so.
2. Learn to pause when you feel someone or something shifting your energy in a way that doesn’t feel right.  Try putting a sticky note somewhere prominent (bathroom mirror, computer monitor, steering wheel) that outlines what you want to focus on for the day.  Maybe it is just the word “pause”, “pray”, or “breathe”…make it something that feels right to you.
3. When you meet a stranger smile first…before you say anything.  Pay attention to how they react to the smile, what you feel when they react to you.  There are countless stories of how a simple kindness changed the direction of a person’s life…be the one who makes it so!
4. Look for someone you can help even in a small way.  When you think about the comfort of others you give others permission to do the same – and you become the teacher.  Acts of kindness change both involved…be kind.
5. Write down what is keeping you awake at night or making it difficult to move forward in your life.  And when you see it in black and white ask yourself “what do I want instead of this?”  Take it a step further and ask “what do I want to FEEL instead of this?  Contrast is one of the ways to learn what to let go of, and in this way you make room for the things you DO want in your life.  This helps you make choices based on what you want, rather than inviting what you don’t want, by giving it your constant focus.  Don’t keep inviting dark clouds…be grateful for the blue sky.
6. When something happens that is difficult to take, ask the question “what can I learn from this?”  This is where we begin to be teacher AND student to ourselves.  There are lessons, and blessings in every event in life…keep looking for them.

 
Everyone has their own path to walk in this life, things to overcome, to greet gratefully or regretfully, and to learn.  We have the choice each day to continue on like we have been living or we can choose to grow.  Trying on a new way of thinking changes our perspective and fuels a desire for better things.

What will you learn today?

Standing on the scale has not been a pleasant experience for many years…so most of the time I just don’t bother. My size hadn’t gotten in the way of my happiness but it was beginning to become obvious that my health was beginning to suffer. New Year’s resolutions just aren’t my thing. This is one of the only years I can remember starting something with real conviction after the first of the year and continuing long enough to reap the rewards. And for once I am standing watch over my feelings not my appearance.

What prompted me to write about this was a profound realization I had this week. The critic that has always been a prominent voice in my head would consistently throw darts at anything productive and loving I attempted in order to change my feelings about myself. This week he started in with “No one is noticing how much weight you have lost, what’s up with that? Maybe you are lying to yourself about what you are doing. Is it really worth giving up so much?” But then a loving and nurturing voice interrupted:

“People don’t CARE about how much you weigh because who they see has nothing to do with pounds”.

Wow! For years I wore my damaged psyche like a badge…parading it out for all to see so that I could be sure you paid attention. It wasn’t until I was working with a client and realized she used illness to get attention and care that I started making connections. What we discovered together harkened back to my own childhood as one of 5…not much got you special attention with so many who needed it in the house.

It has been my life’s work for many years to help others feel cared for, safe and empowered to be themselves. You teach….you learn. It was time to heed my own counsel.

How many times have you led off a conversation with the state of your health? Ever stop to wonder why we choose an illness as subject matter to greet folks with? Why is it that we attach to our illness, past trauma etc. and parade it out in front of people as if it were all that we are? Often when I am speaking with a prospective client I do talk about many of the things I have overcome, but now it is in the past tense…they are things that no longer hold power over me. Knowing that my life has gone from “tragic to magic” circumstances builds trust but here is where the discussion about it stops. If I am always thinking of myself as a rape victim – I will mold my behavior into that which is necessary to play the part. When I began to view that as an event in my past instead of who I am, it began to lose its hold on me. Even the words I used made me a victim. “My rapist”, “my alcoholism”…when I lay claim to something in my life I will do everything in my power to protect it. That means you are not going to take it from me. It becomes who I am and leaves no room for anything else. And once I started letting go of blame, I started letting go of the need to cling to the past to protect me from the unknown. I no longer refer to the negative events in my past or illness as MY anything. They are now just things that happened.

The reason I have let go of 20 pounds in the last couple of months is because I chose to conduct a research project. I began to really pay attention to what, how and why I was eating. I journaled how I felt when I overdid things or when I got that a certain food seemed to suck the life from me. And I realized every time I put food in my mouth I was chastising myself. Every day had become an exercise in self-flagellation and I blamed no one but myself. I grabbed one of the many diet books off my shelf and started with SOMETHING. This was not the kind of life I was offering up to the world and not the one I wanted to experience either! Don’t get me wrong…it wasn’t an overnight thing. But I started paying attention, writing my feelings down, eliminating one food at a time, and doing small things like making each trip up the stairs 3 then 4 then 5. Those things added up to feelings of success…and each success began to enlarge the foundation of my determination.

So this week I challenge my readers to listen to what you are saying to and about yourself. Write it down. Would you talk to a prospective lover that way? A child?

What will it look like if you decided to speak only lovingly to yourself? What do you imagine would change?
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When you find yourself disappointed in your progress towards a goal or task, where does your mind take you? If you decide that you have made a mistake, missed a deadline or just can’t get your sh** together, what do you tell yourself?

If you are like the majority of us, your knee-jerk reaction is to call yourself names, spit, sputter, and get angry for falling short. But how productive is this? Whatever happens next is going to be directly affected by your attitude, because the more you focus on the mistakes and missteps, the more they will multiply. So what if you showed up to work with peanut butter on your shoulder? That just means you got your kiddo fed. If you got yourself out of bed, ready for work and out the door on time…congratulations! Some folks can’t get out of bed at all. Don’t discount the things you do routinely every day…being willing to bravely face another day no matter how routine, is cause for celebration. That my friend is an important springboard to a host of personal choices. Did you smile and the lady in the elevator or hold the door open for someone? Get a walk in at lunch? Call your Mom? Finish that Hope you had a wonderful birthday!big project on time? Every day is filled with successful completion of many things and a cause to rejoice. Pay attention to how those things make you F E E L.

Being happy is all about attitude. When you decide that you have things to be grateful for and think about those things, you just might see the list growing. Start a notebook of gratitude thoughts and successes. When you see something as an accomplishment write it down. When you experience successes or obtain something you worked hard for, write it down. Get teary-eyed at the sight of your child’s smile? Write it down! How would it feel to read these things before you went to sleep? Calming thoughts before sleep prepare our bodies for rest and now you have a list of things that went right for you today to calm our inner critic. You are important and successful in your own life in many ways. Take note of them!
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Every day we have an opportunity to be the kind of person that we want to spend time with (after all, we can’t escape ourselves!). What will you do with your successes today?